SUBWAY CONDUTER (V.O.)
Next stop, Columbus Circle.  Stand clear of the closing doors.
SFX: SUBWAY DOORS CLOSING

SMART GAL
(sigh)
In a city of such size and immensity
Not to disregard the population density
You might think that it wouldn't be so arduous a chore
To find a man worth finding, a man worth falling for
You might think so but you'd sadly be mistaken
All the good ones are all gay or else they're taken

See the problem is a riddle of arithmetic
Of proportions so complex that it can make you sick
If you stop for a moment, then you soon will ascertain
How strenuous a task to find a man with half a brain
'Cause the answer isn't just to find some mouth to kiss
See calculus looks easy when compared to this

  According to the last reported census estimation
  There's seven million people in the city's population
  And though at first so large a sum might make me optimistic
  Analysis reveals something much more realistic

  See fifty-five percent of that big number is all women
  And though that's quite a dating pool, it's not the one I swim in
  And then nine hundred thirty thousand have to be omitted
  The ones already married or else otherwise committed

  And from a random sample of the standard deviation
  You'll find another ten percent won't have the inclination
  Then subdivide the square root of the status correlation
  That eliminates the ones who lack an occupation

  And next I'd like to limit this to just the same religion
  While furthermore he cannot have the IQ of a pigeon
  Our feelings must be mutual - a chemical attraction
  Which to be fair, I must admit, means even more subtraction

  And then I sadly must decline my elders over forty-nine
  But studying these new results - fourteen percent aren't yet adults


  So working through this basic elementary calculation
  I can clearly state without a hint of hesitation
 ("There are precisely… 3 potential perfect men")

  I've broken up with one of them and one's move to Peru
  Which leaves a single guy for me - whatever shall I do?

How will I find him?  Where can he be?
Does he take the "A" train or does he ride the "D"
Where does he travel?  Which is his line?
The "4" and the "5" train, the "1" and the "9"?
Oh, how will I find him?  Where can he be?
The "A" or the "B" or the "C" or the "D"?
Where is the one for me?


SFX: SUBWAY DOORS CLOSING


NICE GUY
So I moved here from Ohio just two years ago
And although I like to date I'm no Lothario
Well I guess I've got Midwestern sorts of sensibilities
I always say, "Why thank you very much" - and also - "Please"
Commitment doesn't scare me, how I yearn for true romance
I'm just no match for women with tattoos and leather pants

I responded to a posting on the internet
Turned out to be a guy not out of prison yet
Sure my friends have set me up but all the girls have turned me down
I feel I've been to every single singles bar in town
My social life's one reoccurring blunder
With more blind dates than even Stevie Wonder


 (I know!  I'll place a personal ad!  Now let me see…)
  If you're looking for somebody who's generous and kind
  Who thinks to read the classics is a good way to unwind
  If you like to go on picnics in Central Park in fall 
  Just give me a call

  If you think that you're compatible with someone who's sincere
  Who's ready with a compliment the moment you come near
  Not to sound too kinky, but my hair's a dirty blond 
  Please respond

  If you'd like to meet a gentleman who gives a mean massage
  Who doesn't wear a baseball cap or dress in camouflage
  If you'd like to date somebody you can take home to your dad
  Just answer this stupid, ridiculous ad

  Oh I should just forget it!  I mean, really, what's the use?
  Nobody's gonna answer it.  I've had enough abuse!
  I know she's out there somewhere, and she won't think I'm some yokel
  I have so much to express, and I feel I'm on the local!



How will I find her?  Where can she be?
Does she take the "A" train or does she ride the "D"

NICE GUY   		SMART GAL
How will I know	 	…How will I find him?
Where shall I go	 	…Where can he be?
I'll ride the "Q"    	  	…Does he take the "A" train?
Maybe the "F"	 	…Or does he ride the "D"?

SMART GAL
I wonder if perhaps he might have transferred at Penn Station

NICE GUY
Does she even bother taking public transportation?

SMART GAL & NICE GUY
How will I find her/him?  Where can he/she be?
The "D" or the "Q" or the "3" or the "2" or the "F" or the "A" or the "N" or the "J"
Or the "B" or the "C" or the "D" or the "E" or the "G"
Where is the one for me?



NICE GUY
Oh, excuse me.  I'm sorry.

SMART GAL
Oh no, I'm - that's quite alright.

NICE GUY
Please, after you.

SMART GAL
Well, thank you.